“When I realized I was swelling with mental and emotional pain, I said a resounding NO. I was not mentally ill. I was recalling my son who died by suicide.”It is not amazing that the survivors take on the persona of those who die by this veil of darkness, with one vast difference. We are hopefully coming from a healthy mind that is fraught with grief and loss.

My child was diagnosed as severely depressed with mood disorders. He was classified as mentally ill. I am not. How has the suicide of your loved one changed your life? What influence did it have on your family and yourself? Among those I know who have lost children or other family members to this tragic circumstance, there is a common thread. Our lives are changed and will never be the same.

Did you have someone ask you why you haven’t recovered yet? Maybe they said, “Get over it.” “I know exactly what you are feeling?” How did that make you feel? Did you feel loved, understood, listened to? Were you asked loving questions? If you received support, that is wonderful. But, not all do. It seems most don’t. And, it appears the majority of people do not understand and fear the subject of suicide.

I am the Mother of a child who died by suicide. I believe it is a disease. Doesn’t that change the parameters of how we address suicide? Doesn’t that change the environment of the bereaved and the suicidal? Wouldn’t we look at suicide differently if we knew it was a disease? Some doctors and therapists believe this. Today I am a more serious individual. My husband has lost a part of the vibrant fun, silly part of me. The world may not know it but I do. I needed to give myself permission to be as I am today. So do you. My son lost control. Have you lost some control? My son felt that his head was running away with him. He would be in laughter for a short period of time and then sadness and then anger. I was mad at my son, myself, others and God. I just lost a deeply loved child. Have you wondered what happened to them before and how this could happen to you? You’ve experienced the loss of who you were before the suicide. My son went to numerous support groups. He participated in grief and loss groups and relationship programs — why? He felt he was loosing his mind and he was grieving for this loss. You’ve not only lost a loved one, you’ve lost a part of yourself. Your feelings of outrage, “should not be” but they are and they need to be tended to.We feel guilty that we didn’t do more to stop the suicide, logical or illogical. My son felt guilty also. He felt he was a burden to his family. He hated the shame, blame, and the mental and physical pain . He hated being who he was and how he thought he affected others. Is that familiar to the survivor and the one with mental illness?

The mentally challenged person is alone. No matter how many people love and help him, so often he feels totally alone. Do you? People share that they know what you are feeling. They mean it to be loving. Do they know what you are feeling? Can anybody who has not walked in your shoes? This used to anger me and all the people I speak with. It’s shared because people do not know what to say. It does not help the bereaved. It hurts and minimizes the pain. Many place a veil over their face and walk in silence. The suicidal person may not be able to share with the family. They are a bottleneck of feelings waiting to explode or implode. They live in the shadow of life, drowning in pain with no one to speak to. You may have felt the same. You may ask why? There is always help. Many are so ashamed, both survivor and the suicidal person, that they do not reach out. They fear being judged harshly. Both the survivor and the one who died have already engaged in terrible judgments of themselves. Few escape.

In writing our book, “Good Night My Son, I Love You” I share several specific suggestions. I free feelings to be explored –why? All of us need understanding of what is happening and how we can get through this period of life. In this sharing, I am suggesting that you write a letter to yourself and your loved one.You share your thoughts and feelings. You cry, laugh, recall good memories and anger. You surface your feelings. And, then, you do it again and again. You are peeling the layers of an onion. You will uncover to discover the beauty in yourself and your loved one. The letters are so helpful. If you do not write, tape it or draw your feelings. YOUR FEELINGS ARE IMPORTANT. YOU ARE IMPORTANT. THE SUICIDAL PERSON IS IMPORTANT. EACH OF US BRING FORTH BEAUTY TO THIS LIFE. MY SON IS GIVING HIS GIFTS NOT ONLY FROM WHEN HE LIVED BUT AFTER HE DIED THROUGH MY SPEAKING, SHARING IN GRIEF AND LOSS GROUPS AND WRITING. JOEL LIVES AND YOUR BELOVED DOES ALSO, THROUGH YOU.

Did you ever hear about healing? Look it up in the dictionary? In accordance with the dictionary, do you think you will ever heal? Sometimes, it is beneficial to have your own definitions. Wherever I went, whatever support group I attended, there was the word, “healing”. It really disturbed me. Could I heal? My answer was a resounding no. It made no sense to me. I am different, my life is different. We have had a dramatic shift in living. I made a major decision that moved me forward. I would make up my own definition of healing that I could relate to. My definition is, “I am happier than sad”. I felt I could achieve this. But, there is so much more.What is your identity? Are you the family member of the person who died by suicide? Are you the bad mother of the child who died by suicide? Who are you? I decided I am the beauty in me and all my goodness. I am all the beauty in Joel and his goodness. You can find elements of beauty ever so slight or ever so large, in all those who died by suicide.What is it all about? It’s about you, me and loving ourselves as well as those who died. Does it happen in an instant? It happens over time. Little steps are giant steps. Love yourself for your little steps and grieve. Complement yourself for grieving and complement yourself more and more. It is a process. My son lives in my heart and the hearts of others. He lives in our book and he lives in the communication I believe I have. THERE ARE NO RIGHTS OR WRONGS. THERE IS NO TIME ELEMENT TO, “HEALING”. THERE IS ONLY DOING, LEARNING AND MOVING FORWARD AS BEST WE CAN.

At the end of the first service we had for my son, we were sending to the Universe messages for Joel. The balloons went up and there was Joel big as day. He said, “Mom, I am OK and I’m coming back. Tomorrow, you and I are writing a book together”. And, that was the beginning of, “Good Night My Son, I Love You”.