When we are in bereavement, we experience guilt, shame, blame, rage, desperation and intense pain. I experienced it. We bargain with the unknown to stop the suffering but the suffering doesn’t stop. There is no closure with the grief from suicide. We are not insane but there is work to do. There is no healing in accordance with the dictionary definition. There is only numerous whys. And yet, most of us get through it and go on with our lives. Some of us gain new strengths and are amazed at the courage we possess. We deal with forgiveness for ourselves and we learn to appreciate who we are.

There is no right or wrong, good or bad as we cope with grief. We take the time we need and we do the best we can. Not only are we dealing with oursselves but our children need us, our husbands or wives need us and we may feel like we have no place to turn. However, we do have someplace to turn, we can turn toward each other.

This is where reaching out with love is so beautiful. What do you say to someone who has lost a child, a husband, a loved one? All grief has a pattern and all grief responses have their own individual components. I can’t say to you that my grief is worse than yours or that you will heal soon. I don’t know and for me, grief at times was overwhelming. Time, decisions and awareness help us to find ourseles. Grief groups help us to move forward and being with others who have had similar experiences is soothing and enlightening. For some it is the only safe place to be. People share their insights and we learn from their experiences. Some are quiet and they come to the group to listen. Others need to be alone; support groups are not the answer for them. Each of us moves forward in our own way. So, what do you say when someone loses a loved one to suicide? What have others said to you?

Sometimes while visiting a person in grief, it is appropiate to simply listen and be there knowing your presence is what they need. Ask how can I help you rather then tell. Ask if the bereaved would like you to listen or respond to what they are saying. Ask and offer dinner or help in the house. Form a group and prepare dinner for your visit. It is important to know when it is wise to ask and wiser to, “come on over with lunch.”

Even bereaved letters can be helpful or hurtful though they are well meaning. Some letters are lectures; others are religious and may not take into account that the grieving person is not religious. And some are so beautiful you just want to hug them for their marvelous thoughts. I would think that all letters are well meaning. Often we share or send a note without knowing what to say. The empathy note is greatly appreciated. While we realize that some people ignore us because they fear saying the wrong thing, we can be hurt by the silence. This is especially true where a suicide is involved.

I would like to share a special letter. Evaluate what makes this a great letter and how you would feel receiving it. I know how I felt. I felt safe, respected and my son Joel was respected also. I invite you to share the beautiful things that help and your letters that you cherish.

This site is for asking questions and receiving suggestions. And so the following is one of my special letters. What’s yours? What had a touching impact on you? What did someone do for you that you will treasure always?

Dear Sue:

I extend my condolences. I didn’t know Joel well. I was in a professional writing program with him and he excelled in a unique style of expressing himself. He would come into the sessions and light up the room. Always he appeared to be happy. And I do not think of Joel as the lofty soul of loneliness. He attracted people with his warmth. In thinking about a person so distraught that he had to take his own life, I am writing the following:

Imagine Joel was a soldier on the battlefield everyday without the proper equipment. The equipment was lost in the fight. He fought every moment with what he had even though he knew he was missing the battle necessities to win. Was this man not courageous? Just the fact that he kept on moving forward was a tribute to his fortitude. In my mind, Joel was a courageous soul who fought a hard fight.

I can’t begin to think what it is like to lose Joel. He had so much to give.

Thank you for allowing us to be part of your closure and having a service in Iowa.

In appreciation and empathy,